The Defining Moment

In the years to come, when I reflect on my most recent trip to Walt Disney World (January 3-7, 2010) I’ll probably think of the bathroom at the rear of EPCOT’s Imagination pavilion.

Perhaps I should explain: it’s no secret that the first two weeks of January saw record cold throughout most of the United States, including Florida. Of course, when I planned my weeklong Disney vacation for the first week of January, I figured that we’d have mild weather; morning lows in the 40s with highs in the mid-60s to low 70s. I definitely did not plan on record cold temperatures, and as a native Floridian I’m not very well adapted to them. Nor is Walt Disney World.

 

I found this out the hard way early in the afternoon of January 4. I popped into the Imagination pavilion’s gift shop to pick up some Figment merchandise before our lunchtime reservation at Le Cellier, and while I was there I decided to visit the restroom. Normally, I like the restroom at the rear of the Imagination pavilion. It's never crowded because not many people know it's there, and since I prefer little or no human interaction during my restroom experience that's a big plus for me. However, the windy, frigid-as-Kate Gosselin weather highlighted an important design flaw in the Imagination restrooms: their lack of front doors. In the warmer months, this isn't much of a problem since the air-conditioning system is robust enough to keep the worst of the heat out. However, the heating system is obviously not as powerful because there was virtually no difference in temperature from the outside to the inside. Not only that, but the faucets were only dispensing cold water. So it was that, at the dawn of the second decade of the 21st century, I found myself freezing my butt off in a restroom at a place called Future World.

While we’re on the subject of the Imagination pavilion, I think it’s very interesting that its gift shop sells all manner of Figment merchandise (including a t-shirt that features both Figment and Dreamfinder) but no Dr. Nigel Channing merchandise.

Just thought I’d point that out.

Pieces of EPCOT Center

Well, I’m back from Walt Disney World, and after spending parts of three days at EPCOT I’ve got pictures (although not as many as I would’ve liked) and a few observations.

There were moments when EPCOT Center would positively enthrall you. You’d be on a ride, and the Imagineers had done their job so well that you were effectively transported to another place and time. Fortunately, there are still a few moments like that to be had in today’s EPCOT, and here they are:

• Spaceship Earth: As I’ve said before, I don’t really understand all the vitriol that’s been directed at this attraction since it’s 2007 redesign. Much of the original attraction has been retained. The Judi Dench narration is obviously aimed at a different generation of people than the Perrin, Cronkite, or Irons narrations were. All in all, it still does a good job of immersing you in different times and places.
• Universe of Energy’s dinosaur diorama: Except for the addition of the easily-ignorable Ellen animatronic and some recoloring of the dinosaurs (most notably the T-rex), the only part of the Energy pavilion that really excites people hasn’t been changed at all since 1982. It’s well-maintained, and absolutely saturated with that old-school attention to detail that Disney World did so well until Team Disney Orlando decided it didn’t want to pay for that stuff anymore. I’m not going to complain about the filmed portions of the attraction, since they were never that great. Sure, the Radok show was technically impressive, but it lacked truly entertaining content.
• The first part of Mexico’s Gran Fiesta Tour: You board your boat, and float down the waterway between the San Angel Inn restaurant and the miniature pyramid. The background painting that decorates the wall behind the pyramid is ridiculously detailed; and even as you’re scrutinizing it, finding new details you never realized were there, your boat enters a magnificently-detailed recreation of an ancient Mexican temple. And then the Three Caballeros appear and ruin everything. The minute or so before they appear is pure gold, though. Not to be missed.

That’s all for now. Thanks for reading!

Off to the World

Well, in less than 48 hours I’ll be on my way to Disney World for a five-day stay. I hope to bring back enough pictures and observations to fuel several more months of posts. I’m especially looking forward to spending an extended amount of time in the World Showcase, and I’ve resolved not to rush through Innoventions like I did the last few visits. Hopefully I’ll find some good stuff there. (In Innoventions, I mean. I know there’s good stuff in the World Showcase).

I also want to take a moment to thank the people who do me the honor of reading these insane scribblings of mine. You’re the best!

So here we are, ten years into the 21st century. We don’t have hoverboards, flying cars, robot butlers, floating cities, holographic videophones, giant space colonies, cities on the Moon, or neon-colored jumpsuits with plastic booties, but at least we have Twitter. That’s a good thing, right?

Maybe we really are doomed.

On the other hand, Spaceship Earth is still the most futuristic-looking twenty-seven-year-old building in existence. As a kid I imagined that most buildings would look similarly futuristic by 2010, but unlike flat panel TVs and ever-more-powerful computers, construction costs for edifices shaped like 180-foot spheres or multistory glass pyramids have not plunged into the realm of easy affordability. Ah, well. I guess there were Spaceship Earths all over the world, then the symbol of EPCOT wouldn’t be as unique.

FastPass Insanity

Way back on March 18th I promised a post on the plusses and minuses of FastPass. However, I didn’t feel like writing about that, so I wrote about a bunch of other stuff instead, prompting an anonymous commenter to say “hey, whatever happened to that FastPass post you promised?” Well, now that I’ve taken two trips to WDW since Labor Day, and am looking forward to a multi-day trip in about two weeks, I’ve got FastPass on the brain again. By the way, if you don’t know what FastPass is or how it works, here’s the Wikipedia article.

Although the system was introduced in 1999, the first time I ever saw it was on our October 2001 honeymoon. Disney didn’t do a great job explaining it to casual parkgoers, and since we were less than two months out from 9/11, the parks weren’t that crowded and there wasn’t much of an impetus to use it. We made another trip in 2004, and since crowd levels had rebounded, the lines were long enough that we took the time to read the inserts in our park maps that explained how this FastPass thing worked. Judging by the huge amount of people we saw waiting in Standby (a.k.a. non-FastPass) lines, most folks did not do the same, which leads nicely into the first section of this post:

The Plusses of FastPass

The biggest advantage of FastPass, indeed its raison d’etre, is to allow you to bypass long attraction lines. One of the reasons it works so well is that 95% of the people in the parks at any given time aren’t using it. As usual, that figure isn’t based on anything other than my own personal observations, but I’m confident that it’s pretty close to the truth. Otherwise, why would the standby line for Peter Pan’s Flight (which, if it extended straight out from the attraction entrance, would probably stretch to the Canary Islands) be full of families with cranky children who want to get on the ride right now, or else they will scream?

So, FastPass is a system that allows you to bypass long lines, and it works so well because most people don’t use it. Therefore, those of us who do are essentially profiting from the ignorance of those who don’t.  That’s a big plus in my book. Now, time for . . .

The Minuses of FastPass

Why don’t more people use FastPass? Basically, it’s because the majority of them are on their first and only trip to Disney World, and they’re keeping one eye on their hyper-excited kids while using the other eye to squint at their park map to figure out the best way to get to Splash Mountain and where the bathrooms are and how to fit in all these rides that the kids want to go on right now before their 12:30 reservation at the Liberty Tree Tavern (and just where on the map is that, anyway?) They just don’t have the time or energy to read and digest that paragraph on the back of the map that explains what FastPass is all about.

Now, a trip to Disney World has always involved some complexity. But back in the days before FastPass, pretty much the only bit of “strategy” a savvy parkgoer needed to employ was to avoid the lunchtime rush by hitting Pecos Bill’s during the 3:00 parade. Regardless of who you were, your route through the Magic Kingdom would look something like this:

The only decision to make was whether you headed left into Adventureland or right into Tomorrowland after you walked up Main Street.

FastPass, however, has added another wrinkle. A savvy parkgoer will make a beeline for a couple of the park’s most popular attractions, obtain FastPasses, then go find other things to do until the FastPass return time. As the return time approaches, they’re obliged to hightail it to the attraction from wherever else they happen to be, even if it’s on the other side of the park.  The added complexity of dining reservations may cause even more backtracking and mad rushing. A savvy Disney parkgoer’s path through the Magic Kingdom now looks like something from the Family Circus:

The problem gets even worse at EPCOT, because EPCOT is so huge. Whereas EPCOT’s generally ovoid shape meant that your path through the park would invariably go something like this:

. . .a savvy use of FastPass leads to lots of darting back and forth across Future World, like this:

 

“What’s the problem with that?” you might ask. Nothing, if you’re an fatigue-proof 19-year-old with no kids. But EPCOT and the Magic Kingdom are not small places. Zipping back and forth across them, juggling FastPass return times and dining reservation times is as hard as the work most of us do at our jobs. I don’t know about anyone else, but I go on vacation to relax.

However, Disney World is the American consumer mecca. And a key tenet of the American consumer lifestyle is instant gratification, so a system to make the gratification of experiencing a Disney attraction a little more instant was bound to be a hit. However, I’ve hurried back and forth across crowded theme parks, clutching my FastPass trying to resist the temptation to break into an all-out run, only to collapse exhausted at the end of the day. In two weeks, we’re going to take it a little slower.

Sure, I may grab a FastPass or two, but only to give to my wife for her Disney trip scrapbook. Let everyone else hurry like they’ve got a time clock to punch. We’ll be taking it easy.

Apocalypse EPCOT: The Dark Future I Just Thought Up

I’m sure Team Disney Orlando has seen undeniable economic benefits from their practice of simply closing up huge chunks of EPCOT real estate: the Wonders of Life pavilion, the upstairs ImageWorks, and the Millennium pavilion, to say nothing of large chunks of vacant Innoventions exhibition space. These actions, though, were all taken when the economy was in better shape than it is now. What might the suits do in the future to preserve their profit margins (and their executive bonuses)? Come with me now to an apocalyptic future, and I’ll make up the answer to that question before your very eyes . . .

This is Future Guy’s Doom Bunker!

The year is 2015. Unemployment still hovers around 10%. The President of the United States is Mr. T. Shrek 5 has just won the Oscar for Best Picture. At Walt Disney World, the “free admission on your birthday” and “give a day, get a Disney Day” promos are distant memories. The current promo “Buy a $200 One-Day Admission Ticket, Get A Fastpass to Mickey’s PhilharMagic” is not the big success that management had hoped. Executive bonuses are shrinking. Something must be done!

Deep in the executive restroom, while perched on a diamond-encrusted toilet in a solid gold stall, an executive comes up with a series of cost cutting measures for EPCOT! Before he can forget what they are, he grabs a piece of gold-foil Charmin from the toilet paper dispenser and scribbles out his ideas. Let’s take a trip now, through the Future World of 2015:

Spaceship Earth: The touchscreens in the ride vehicles are replaced by Etch-A-Sketches. During the descent, visitors are invited to use them to “create their own vision of the future”.

Universe of Energy: Ellen’s Energy Adventure becomes a “human-powered” attraction as the large “moving theater” ride vehicles are removed and visitors are now required to walk through the show.

Mission Space: The simulators no longer spin, or even move. Riders are told to sit in them and make spaceship noises with their mouths for five minutes.

Test Track: The complex ride vehicles are replaced with Power Wheels. The resulting ride-in which guests putt-putt through the faux-automobile testing facility at a coma-inducing three miles per hour-is billed as a more family friendly experience.

Imagination: The entire pavilion, ride and all, is shut down. Disney bills this as an opportunity for guests to “create their own experience”, since they can walk around the dark, nonfunctioning pavilion and imagine whatever they want.

The Land: Soarin’s machinery is removed, and guests are encouraged to run around in the empty warehouse-like space with their arms sticking straight out, pretending to be airplanes. The Living With The Land boat ride is also modified to become a “guest-powered experience”. Oars are installed on the boats, and riders are required to row. The plants are removed from the greenhouses, and mounds of dirt are put in their place. Disney justifies this by pointing out that the ride is called “Living With the Land” not “Living With The Stuff Growing In The Land”.

The Seas: The tanks are emptied. The windows looking into the tanks are tinted blue and decorated with painted-on fish and coral.

Innoventions: The old exhibits that are currently collecting dust in the Imagination pavilion’s old upstairs ImageWorks are hauled out of storage and installed here. Except for the rainbow corridor and the pin screens, because people might actually enjoy those. When guests tire of playing with the vintage 1982 technology (none of which will be plugged in or even dusted off), they can visit the rest of Innoventions’ exhibits, which consist of a couple of repurposed McDonald’s play areas, two bouncy castles, and a row of Nintendo 64s that only have the game Star Wars: Shadows of the Empire.

The Fountain of Nations: Now just a guy with some Mentos and Diet Coke.

Are these just the insane ramblings of a guy who’s a half hour late for his lunch break? You bet they are. But if you subscribe to the “many worlds” interpretation of quantum physics, then you know that somewhere in the multiverse, they’ve already come true.

The Seas With . . .Ariel?

I’m not too secretive about the fact that the ride-thru portion of The Seas with Nemo makes me want to bang my head against the wall of my “clam-mobile”. However, if Project Gemini had gone forward, The Seas pavilion might be home to another animated Disney character: Ariel.

What was Project Gemini, you ask? For a full overview, I encourage you to read Jim Hill’s 2003 article on the subject. Briefly, though, it was a plan to totally remake Future World to appeal to young people. There would be more thrill rides (at least two, including one called Time Racers that would be installed inside a gutted Spaceship Earth) a “Junior Autopia” for the little kids in front of Test Track, and a hedge maze between The Land and the Imagination pavilion. And trees. Lots and lots of trees. Also, The Living Seas, which at this point was being actively neglected by Disney management, would be rethemed around Ariel and the cast of The Little Mermaid.

How would this have been handled? According to the article I linked to above:

“Ariel, King Triton and Sebastian are slated to serve as the new hosts of the aptly named "Under the Sea" pavilion. The new pre-show (as well as the bulk of The Living Seas revamped exhibits) will now stress how we must all learn to live in harmony with the world's oceans. Not over-fish or pollute ... or we risk destroying this precious resource forever.

I'm told that Seabase Alpha will now be repositioned as the finale of the "Under the Sea" show. To show us all how idyllic the future could be if we really do learn to live in harmony with the ocean.”

Look, I’m no fan of The Little Mermaid, but I still have to admit that sounds a heck of a lot better than the Nemo pavilion we ended up getting. It would used popular animated characters to teach kids about the impact of human behavior on the oceans.

Come to think of it, why couldn’t they have done this with Nemo? As bad as some of the Project Gemini ideas were (turning Spaceship Earth into a Space Mountain-like ride, for example) the Seas idea was really on the right track. Of course, the pavilion might have ended up being painted pink, but that would have been a small price to pay.