It starts promisingly enough (for a third-season episode, anyway). We see the Enterprise orbiting a planet as the Captain's Log voiceover explains that a deadly space epidemic is sweeping through the ship and the only cure is a mineral called "ryetalyn". Kirk, Spock, and McCoy beam down to get some and are immediately attacked by a killer robot.
|Killer AIs with a single glowing red eye were a big thing in 1969|
His name is Flint. You'd think a guy who dresses like Liberace if he raided Lando Calrissian's closet would be pretty laid-back, but Flint is all business. He's not interested in hearing why Kirk and friends are on his planet, he just wants them gone. Or else.
McCoy begs Flint to let them have the ryetalyn and compares the space disease infecting his crewmates to bubonic plague. This causes Flint to soliloquize about the Plague sweeping through Constantinople in 1334, and abruptly he changes his mind. He even says the Enterprise crewmen can chill at his house while gathers the ryetalyn for them.
Flint's house turns out to be full of all kinds of curiosities, like unknown original works by Leonardo DaVinci and Johannes Brahms. Spock is fascinated, but Kirk can't be bothered. He's got a ship full of sick and dying crewpeople, after all. Then Flint introduces his ward, Rayna Kapec. (He explains that he took her in after her parents died in an accident).
Kirk is polite, but remains focused on his mission to get lifesaving medicine for his sick and dying crew.
Ha ha! Just kidding! What he really does is immediately forget about his crew and start flirting with the pretty lady. They play billiards for a while, and when Spock sits down at the piano to play an unknown Brahms waltz, Flint encourages Kirk and Rayna to dance. But as soon as Kirk makes googly eyes at her, Flint starts looking all jealous and broody. Is he just an overprotective father, or is something else going on?
While the Captain puts his romantic Kirk-Fu on Rayna and Spock plays the piano, McCoy is the only member of the landing party actually doing his job. He checks out a sample of ryetalyn that R2-Die-2 brought back, but it's got impurities that make it worthless. Flint promises to personally supervise the robot as it gathers more. While he's gone, Kirk calls up to the Enterprise and asks Scotty and Uhura to do some research on their hosts.
Later, Kirk finds Rayna in Flint's science lab. He allegedly went there to see if there was any way of removing the ryetalyn's impurities, but as soon as he sees Rayna he forgets all about helping his sick and dying crew. Again.
As for Rayna, she's standing in front of a locked door that Flint has told her never to enter. But rather than puzzle out that particular mystery, Kirk starts hitting her with lame pickup lines and tries to get her to ditch Flint and leave with him. But why? Does he want to marry her? Does he want her for a live-in girlfriend? Previous episodes have made a big deal about how Kirk has chosen to forego having a "normal" life with a wife and kids so he can be a starship Captain. This seems like a strange time for him to suddenly decide to settle down.
Meanwhile the sick and dying crew of the Enterprise is no doubt telling each other "Don't worry, Captain Kirk will get us the lifesaving medicine we need! He's probably digging it out of the rocks with his bare hands right now! He's definitely not trusting a strange killer robot to do it for him while he makes out with some lady he met thirty minutes ago!" But Kirk can't hear them over the sound of all the making out him and Rayna are doing while he trusts a strange killer robot to dig up the ryetalyn for him.
|"Of course I don't have more important things to do, why do you ask?"|
It's also pretty clear that Kirk is way more into Rayna than she is into him. She's obviously never been in a romance before and doesn't seem altogether comfortable. It really looks like she's going along with his advances because she doesn't quite know how to say no.
But Kirk's amorous activities have tripped the Virgin Alarm on Flint's flying Spaghetti Strainer of Death, and it appears to break up the make-out session.
|Forget C-3PO, this is the robot that Spaceballs' Dot Matrix was based on|
Scotty calls with the information Kirk asked for earlier. It turns out there are no Federation records for Flint or Rayna. It's like they don't exist. And McCoy's tricorder readings on Flint indicate that he's 6,000 years old.
Scotty also has an update on the space plague. If they don't start ryetalyn injections in two hours, everyone on the Enterprise will die. Kirk lamely assures him that they'll get it soon, but he seems way more upset about the way Flint orders Rayna around. Spock urges him to focus on getting the medicine their crewmates need so they can not die. But Kirk really isn't listening.
Finally the ryetalyn is ready. Kirk sends Spock and McCoy to Flint's lab to pick it up, while he stays behind to plead with Rayna to leave the only life she's ever known to shack up with a strange dude she just met this afternoon. "Childhood must end," he tells her in the episode's creepiest line up to this point. So he admits that she's basically a child, but he's still totally hot for her? Previous episodes have shown Kirk in romances with strong professional women in his age group, like Dr. Janet Wallace or Lt. Areel Shaw. Why's he now irresistibly drawn to a teenager who's obviously afraid to say no?
However messed up Kirk may be, though, he's nothing compared to Flint. McCoy's tricorder locates the ryetalyn in the lab, behind the locked door Rayna was forbidden to enter. It automatically opens for them. When they go inside they find the ryetalyn, and something else:
You read that right. Flint apparently spent years trying to groom his android-daughter into a romantic partner, and when that didn't work out his big plan was for Kirk to get Rayna's motor running and then take off, leaving Rayna so worked-up that she'd want to marry her dad. In addition to Brahms and DaVinci, was Flint also Woody Allen in a past life?
Is this Star Trek or Law and Order SVU? You know if Olivia Benson was here both Kirk and Flint would be in cuffs already.
But now that Kirk, Spock, and McCoy know the truth about him Flint decides that they and the Enterprise can't be allowed to leave. So he pulls out a remote control and presses a button that shrinks the Enterprise down to the size of a toy and puts the crew into suspended animation. He figures he'll set them free after a millennium or two. Kirk is not a fan of this idea.
Then Rayna walks in on them, and she's not happy either. She demands that Flint release the Enterprise. Realizing that his romantic prospects with his android daughter depend on it, Flint relents. But Kirk can't just take the lifesaving ryetalyn and go home. Him and Flint each plead with Rayna to stay with them, completely ignoring how increasingly distraught and agitated she's becoming. Finally their argument escalates to 1960s TV fisticuffs.
Spock tries to get them to stop. "Stay out of this!" Kirk snarls. "We're fighting over a woman!" Because who cares what the woman actually wants? Let's just punch each other until one of us is dead, and the victor automatically "wins" her!
|You tell em, Captain|
Kirk is overjoyed. He gives a speech that's basically "Yay! Rayna is fully human! She can choose her own destiny now! By which I mean come be my live-in girlfriend on the Enterprise like I want her to!" Flint doesn't get it, either. "No man beats me!" he growls. Both Kirk and Flint claim to love Rayna, but it's obvious they don't respect her. She's not a person to them, just an attractive bauble to be possessed. (Flint even calls her "my property")
They're so busy competing with each other that neither notices what an increasingly hard time Rayna is having with all this emotional drama. She only became fully emotionally-aware a few minutes ago, after all, and immediately she was thrust into the middle of two guys fighting over what she should do with her free will. Only Spock, the "emotionless" Vulcan, seems to understand what's happening and again warns Kirk and Flint to stop. Of course they don't listen, and Rayna suddenly falls down dead.
Spock explains what happened: "There was not enough time for her to adjust to the awful power and contradictions of her newfound emotions." He says. "She could not bear to hurt either of you. The joys of love made her human, and the agonies of love destroyed her." It's funny how the Vulcan is the most emotionally-intelligent person in this episode.
One interesting bit of Star Trek trivia: what happens to Rayna is very similar to what happened on The Next Generation with Data's daughter Lal. She spontaneously developed emotions, experienced a traumatic event when an unreasonable Starfleet Admiral wanted to take her from her father to study her in a lab, then died when her brain went into cascade failure. I don't know if the writer of the TNG episode "The Offspring" did that intentionally, but it's a neat bit of continuity.
Later, back on the Enterprise, Spock visits Kirk in his quarters to report that the epidemic is over and the crew is saved. Kirk is depressed, his mind still on Rayna. "We put on a pretty poor show, didn't we?" he says.
Wait, "We"? "WE"?
As I recall there were only three Enteprise crewmen on that planet, and two of them spent most of their time desperately trying to get the other one to stop making out with an android teenager long enough to get the medicine to save their shipmates from the Space Plague. So, if you're talking about the total number of Starfleet officers who made an ass of themselves on the planet, then that number would be exactly one, which doesn't qualify for the pronoun "we".
But Kirk falls asleep at his desk before Spock can argue the point with him. Then McCoy shows up to tell Spock that his tricorder readings indicate that Flint lost his immortality when he left Earth, and will die after living out the remainder of a normal lifespan.
As he looks at the sleeping Kirk, McCoy condescendingly tells Spock he feels sorry for him because he can't possibly understand how an emotion like love can affect a person. You know, even though Spock spent the whole episode demonstrating a higher emotional IQ than anyone else.
After McCoy leaves, Spock again demonstrates his emotional understanding by mind-melding with Kirk to ease his painful memories of Rayna.
So what did we learn today?
- If you're starship Captain whose crew is dying of space plague, and you have the choice of getting them some medicine or making out with a lady with the emotional maturity of a high school student, definitely get the medicine. That way your crew won't die, you won't get embarrassed when the lady turns out to be an android who's younger than some pairs of socks you own, and people won't make fun of you on the Internet for coming across like a creepy cradle-robber who doesn't respect women.
- If you're a fabulously-rich immortal dude who wants to build an android wife, maybe make one that's more like the Tricia Helfer-model Cylon and less like V.I.C.K.I. from Small Wonder. And when she decides to assert her rights as a sentient being, don't lay such a massive guilt trip on her that she falls down dead.
- And finally, if you're a Vulcan first officer, and your Captain ignores your good advice so he can fistfight a civilian over which one of them gets to own an sentient being for romantic and/or sexual purposes, you should nerve-pinch them both and call Olivia Benson pronto.
Until next time, this has been Weird Star Trek.